Cycle Of Abuse

A cycle of abuse is a four-part pattern that helps identify a pattern of abuse in relationships. The cycle continues because there is a power imbalance in a relationship, meaning that one person has a hold on the other.

Tension

During the tension stage, external stressors may begin to build within the abuser. When an abusive partner feels tense because of outside factors, their frustration builds over time. They continue to grow angrier because they feel a loss of control.

The person who is the target of abuse tends to try and find ways to ease the tension to prevent an abusive episode from occurring. During this time, it is typical for the person at risk of being abused to feel anxious. They may also be overly alert or “walk on eggshells” around their partner in the hopes that they don't do anything to "set their partner off."

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Incident

Eventually, the built up tension has to be released by the abuser to help them feel as though they have power and control again and abuse the other person. The abuser may also shift the blame for their behaviour onto their partner. 

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Reconciliation

The reconciliation period occurs when some time has passed after the incident and the tension begins to decrease. In many cases, the person who committed the abuse will try to make things right by offering gifts and being overly kind and loving. The reconciliation period is often referred to as a "honeymoon stage" because it mimics the beginning of a relationship when people are on their best behaviour.

When the person who experienced the abuse is in this phase, the extra love and kindness from their partner triggers a reaction in their brain that releases feel-good and love hormones known as dopamine and oxytocin. This release of hormones makes them feel closer to their partner and as if things are back to normal.

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Calm

During the calm stage, justifications or explanations are made to help both partners excuse the abuse. For example, an abusive partner might say they’re sorry but blame the abuse on outside factors such as their boss or work life to justify what they did.

The abuser may also deny that the abuse occurred or that it was as bad as it was. In some cases, the abuser may throw some accusations towards the person that was abused to try to convince them that it was their fault. However, in most cases, the abuser will show remorse and promise that the abuse won’t happen again by being more loving and understanding of your needs. Ultimately, the abuser will convince you that the abusive behaviour is a thing of the past even though it’s not.